Four Year Old Wisdom

Tags

Kids, Parenting

A recent conversation with my 4-year old.

Kid, “Daddy, I want to see the Pyramids”
Me: “Do you know where they are?”
Kid: “Far, far away. And it takes a looooong time to get there.”
Me: “you’re right.”
Kid: “But don’t worry, Daddy. We’ll take sleeping bags and water. And when we run out of water, we’ll drink from a cactus!”

Sperm Test For Men In Drugstores?

Tags

infertility, IVF

Yes, indeedy – a company plans to sell an in-home sperm sample kit available at your local Wallgreens just about any day now.

I have several thoughts about this:

1. They claim it’s convenient and private. I’m sorry, but your wife handing you a box and saying “go produce a sample” is neither convenient nor private. Now, I’m the guy that had to leave samples down the hallway from my mother-in-law, so believe me, the private thing rings true — but I seriously doubt many men are going to be given the option of doing the deed on their own time. There’s going to be a tapping foot outside the door. Good luck, gentlemen.

2) “Results in 10 minutes.” I don’t know, this just screams crude comedy to me. Insert your joke here.

3) It’s possible that men are going to tell their wives the results are inconclusive so that they have to do it again.

4) “Easy to read results” is pasted across a ribbon on the box. Oh, right, because if there were words with more than three syllables, men would start grunting like an ape and throw feces at the wall?

5) There’s now something in the drugstore that’s more embarrassing for men to buy than tampons.

But really, I guess this is a cool development – maybe couple’s can narrow down what their issue is quicker and cheaper. And that’s a good thing.

I Thought I Knew The Punchline, but I was Wrong…

Tags

awesomeness, In Vitro, IVF, Swimming In Circles

Been a while since I checked in here, but I thought I should share perhaps the most ridiculous and ironic turn of events in my life recently.

If you’ve read the book, first of all a big thank you. If you managed to make it to the end of the book, you’ll know why this is just so friggin’ perfect.

A quick summary for you: Wife and I did four rounds of In Vitro Fertilization, and they all failed miserably. I had to leave “samples” in a room in which I developed quite a relationship with the poor couch that was cursed to live there. I had to leave these samples about 10 feet from where my mother in law sat – at her desk job. Yeah, just stupid embarrassing. What’s more, if you read the book, you’ll recall that she actually bought me dirty magazines for “inspiration,” apparently thinking that I was somehow doing it wrong in there. Sigh…

So anyway, we’re moving on to international adoption because we are given little to no chance of ever having a biological baby. And then, poof – we’re preggers. And then, blammo – we’re pregnant again. And then, yes — pow — we’re pregnant again. None of this makes any sense whatsoever.

So right now, we have a 4 year old, a 2 year old, and an almost 1 year old — all biological (ostensibly all mine, although I have threatened a DNA test…), no medical intervention, all seemingly flipping miracle babies. And about a month ago, we had a little scare that #4 was on the way and I almost peed my pants. We went from praying to God for one baby to praying to God to turn the faucet off.

So, as unexpected FNB’s (again, you’d need to read the book) who weren’t supposed to be able to have babies, I found myself on the operating table having the contents of my manhood cut and cauterized much to my dismay. This, I thought would be the ultimate irony of my life. I was told I’d never make babies, and here I am making sure that I’ll never make any more.

But no. I was wrong.

During the procedure, there was a lot of chit-chat with the doc as he’s actually a very interesting, personable, and funny guy. So along the way I asked when I was supposed to come back in to have “the boys” tested to see if there are any swimmers left in there. He told me roughly two months. Should I come in or do I simply bring in a sample, I asked. And that’s when things got interesting.

We have a new policy, he said. They’re no longer doing the tests at the office. They’re having another office collect the samples.

“Have you heard of the Infertility clinic near the hospital?” he asked.

And I lost it. Laughing out loud, right there, with his tools buried in my most private of areas — I was in tears.

That’s right folks, the place where I had to leave all those samples for all those failed IVF rounds with dirty magazines purchased by my Mother-in-Law, who just happens to be down the hallway. The guy that couldn’t make babies with the worlds most advanced technology is going back to sit on the suicidal couch and leave a sample to make sure I can’t make babies ever again.

And I should add that I’m the very first person to “take advantage” of this new policy. The first person.

Unbelievable.

This life refuses to be predictable. It’s really quite perfect, don’t you think?

Best to you all — and I wish for everyone that you get what you want in life, and if that includes a little one, I pray to God you get your wish.

And Happy Holidays. Virtual hugs.

- Michael

My Interview at “Creating A Family”

Just a heads up that if you’d like to hear me blather about the book and talk in general about how men handle this whole infertility thing, you can listen to my interview with Dawn Davenport at Creating A Family here.  It was great fun, actually. Dawn asked me a few questions I didn’t anticipate and made me really think…which, you know, I probably should do more often…

What Happens When You Pay Men to Donate Sperm

Tags

BioEthics, In Vitro, IVF

In I wish I was making this up news, the New York Times ran an article about a sperm donor that is the biological father for potentially more than 150 people.

I have about 150 snarky remarks to make about that, but I’d like to think I could be mature enough to look at this objectively as a pretty thorny ethical issue. And I sort of can.

I kind of wish they’d have actually interviewed some of the offspring, but the article never goes there. It could have been about a 2500 word piece that got crammed into 700 words or so, and thus it just barely scratches the surface of the nuttiness this issue can spiral into.

But man, 150 kids. That guy wasn’t Catholic, I’ll tell you that much.

 

Little Doubt This Was A Mother’s Day Gift

Trim from Petey Boy on Vimeo.

Scientists Discover “Cloaking Device” — Men Around The World Suddenly Interested in Own Fertility Again

Blah, blah, sperm, blah blah CLOAKING DEVICE, blah, blah babies, blah blah, infertility, blah blah, CLOAKING DEVICE!!!

They even worked Harry Potter into this post. Amazing what you’ll do for SEO.

But seriously, good on you “researchers” — this actually sounds like a pretty big breakthrough for men and their swimmers.

The Challenges Of Broadcasting Sports: Crowd Shots

Tags

awesomeness

You have to watch to the end for the full effect. It makes you appreciate the uncomfortable silence.

 

The Day I Sided With the Chicken

Tags

awesomeness

Greatest Tattoo Ever?

Tags

awesomeness, tattoo

Ok, among tattoo enthusiasts, that title will be rather incendiary, but if you haven’t seen this already, you simply must watch it. In fact, if you have seen it already — watch it again. If you’re a little squeamish about tattoos, don’t worry – there’s no blood/naked ladies/violence of any kind. There aren’t even any skulls, snakes, or dragons. What there is, however, is pure unadulterated awesomeness (but you must watch until the end). Just wow.