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Been a while since I checked in here, but I thought I should share perhaps the most ridiculous and ironic turn of events in my life recently.

If you’ve read the book, first of all a big thank you. If you managed to make it to the end of the book, you’ll know why this is just so friggin’ perfect.

A quick summary for you: Wife and I did four rounds of In Vitro Fertilization, and they all failed miserably. I had to leave “samples” in a room in which I developed quite a relationship with the poor couch that was cursed to live there. I had to leave these samples about 10 feet from where my mother in law sat – at her desk job. Yeah, just stupid embarrassing. What’s more, if you read the book, you’ll recall that she actually bought me dirty magazines for “inspiration,” apparently thinking that I was somehow doing it wrong in there. Sigh…

So anyway, we’re moving on to international adoption because we are given little to no chance of ever having a biological baby. And then, poof – we’re preggers. And then, blammo – we’re pregnant again. And then, yes — pow — we’re pregnant again. None of this makes any sense whatsoever.

So right now, we have a 4 year old, a 2 year old, and an almost 1 year old — all biological (ostensibly all mine, although I have threatened a DNA test…), no medical intervention, all seemingly flipping miracle babies. And about a month ago, we had a little scare that #4 was on the way and I almost peed my pants. We went from praying to God for one baby to praying to God to turn the faucet off.

So, as unexpected FNB’s (again, you’d need to read the book) who weren’t supposed to be able to have babies, I found myself on the operating table having the contents of my manhood cut and cauterized much to my dismay. This, I thought would be the ultimate irony of my life. I was told I’d never make babies, and here I am making sure that I’ll never make any more.

But no. I was wrong.

During the procedure, there was a lot of chit-chat with the doc as he’s actually a very interesting, personable, and funny guy. So along the way I asked when I was supposed to come back in to have “the boys” tested to see if there are any swimmers left in there. He told me roughly two months. Should I come in or do I simply bring in a sample, I asked. And that’s when things got interesting.

We have a new policy, he said. They’re no longer doing the tests at the office. They’re having another office collect the samples.

“Have you heard of the Infertility clinic near the hospital?” he asked.

And I lost it. Laughing out loud, right there, with his tools buried in my most private of areas — I was in tears.

That’s right folks, the place where I had to leave all those samples for all those failed IVF rounds with dirty magazines purchased by my Mother-in-Law, who just happens to be down the hallway. The guy that couldn’t make babies with the worlds most advanced technology is going back to sit on the suicidal couch and leave a sample to make sure I can’t make babies ever again.

And I should add that I’m the very first person to “take advantage” of this new policy. The first person.

Unbelievable.

This life refuses to be predictable. It’s really quite perfect, don’t you think?

Best to you all — and I wish for everyone that you get what you want in life, and if that includes a little one, I pray to God you get your wish.

And Happy Holidays. Virtual hugs.

- Michael

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